


Still Not The Most Powerful

by PennamePersona



Series: Clinic AU [15]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol, Alcoholism, Ambiguity, F/F, Gen, Happier second chapter, Introspection, Multiple Pov, flip flop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-09 21:41:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5556548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PennamePersona/pseuds/PennamePersona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's hard, being who you are. It's hard, and you can't bear to understand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is small and sort of rough, but I have it and I like posting to this verse. I don't imagine it'll get much attention, but here it is.

You have not allowed a single drop of alcohol to touch your lips in the past 8 years.

It's a particular pride point of yours, staying so very sober after a brief dalliance in self-medication and the very real, very disappointing probability of you developing a dependence on the substance.

However, despite this, one item that you find you may never get rid of, no matter how complicated its past, no matter the emotional entanglement just looking at it causes, is a flask.

It is silver, in a rectangular shape. There is a particularly elegant "L" embossed on it, almost like a crest or a seal, as if that "L" says more than a thousand words.

If you were to open it, which you won't, there would still be the scent of alcohol mixing into the air. Wine. Wine in a flask, really, wine.

Of course wine. Wine was her favorite.

What a thing to know. What a concept to be aware of.

Wine.

You sigh.

 _Wine_.

\---

You hate feeling like this for Rose. You know she hates it, hates you pitying her, hates feeling like she needs pity, and you know, you know so very well, that she really hates needing this therapy and at least some of her resents you for getting her into it.

But you had to.

Lots of things were killing you. Your neglectful, abusive parental figures, for one, and your own self-destructive tendencies for another. Rose's developing alcoholism was the icing on the shittiest cake you have ever fucking seen and wow is that saying something, considering all the cakes you've seen in this damn house.

Not that Mr. Egbert's cakes are shitty, really, just that...just that there's something about this damn house and how often he bakes and how sometimes he uses liquor, for perfectly good baking reasons, and how Rose got her hands on some and down the hill she went. She fell off the wagon pretty spectacularly, louder than you, and you know that there are viable options that could help, but they'd take her away from you, and that'd mean -

That'd mean you giving up your drug right along with her.

And wrong as it is, you know you could never do that.

So you sit, and wait for her to get better, same as you're "better" so at least you can do this together.

You tug the hoodie a bit closer around yourself and inhale the scent of Rose's perfume.

Heh.

"Too much of a good thing," You mutter. "Except not quite."

\---

It wasn't...alcohol that was your problem.

You don't like to talk about your problem.

Karkat makes you, sometimes, because you make him talk and you know it's good for you, just...

It seems shameful. To have had that sort of dependency.

Karkat says it isn't, not really, not when it's in your blood, anyway, and you used to shake it off and say you knew. Until, that is, he put his fist down (quite literally) and demanded that you be honest with him.

Since then, he's asked multiple times if you get it, yet. You've had to say no every time, but it's been more and more positive each time, from "not yet" to "getting there" to "almost."

Because it is almost.

And it's helped, talking to Rose about her problem. Hers was alcohol, just like her mother, and it took a lot to pull her out of it. A lot of potential loss was thrown in front of her, and something snapped within her. Lots of therapy, she said, and you could tell she wanted to put her head down, look away, but she didn't.

You wish you were as strong as her.

But you're not, so here you are, sitting with your cousin and knowing that somewhere in her, there is disappointment for what you've become.

For what you've lost.

\--- 

You've been doing this near recreationally for ages. You've got it down, your mom's got it down, it's in the family. It's a Maryam thing, you think, even if Kanaya had troubles with it.

But you're good. You're Porrim Maryam, of course you're good. You've got this all under control, even gave Kanaya pointers back when she was still in full swing. That was the issue, for her. She was full swing, it was an addiction for her. It's not quite that for you or your mother. It's more an...inheritance.

One that skipped over Kanaya's mother, so maybe that's it. Not that you don't love Aunt Grace, just that she's so different from your mother while also being so similar it's scary. Really scary, scary like why are they so alike, scary like you have to claim your own individuality, so you did, but you're not sure you did it right.

But now's not the time. You take another "hit" (Kanny's word for it) and let it melt away. Not your problem, not right now. Just need a clear head.

That's all.

\---

You tiptoe around each bit of broken bow, each piece of twisted metal, each fragment of something broken beyond repair. It's beyond you why he does this, but you love Equius anyway, so you suppose it isn't of immediate concern. He isn't hurting himself, at least.

"Why?" You ask, once you've gotten over to him, maneuvered past the maze.

"Addiction is a powerful thing," He says, and you close your eyes at the meaning.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The happier of the two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll make what edits need to be made at a later date. Comments are great and if you have any questions ever at all about this verse I am so happy to answer them

"John," He says, one hand out in that faux-serious position that's very much like him. "Do you know what the issue at hand really is?"

"No, Dave," You say. "I don't."

"It's that you are so gay," Dave says. "And you don't even like boys."

He looks at you (probably, shades are still on, but you know Dave's mannerisms and you're like 97% sure he's staring into your eyes) very seriously for maybe half a minute.

"Okay, sorry, that was awful." He says, finally. "Seriously though. Gay."

"Dave, you had one beer." You say. "One. What the hell."

"Like, the gayest. Well, no, not the gayest. Not even the gayest at this table. I mean, Jade here might be gayer than you." He says, gesturing at Jade, who has her chin on the table and is staring at her reflection in the napkin dispenser quite intensely. You're pretty sure she's been drinking soda.

You look over at Rose, who is sitting next to you.

"Help," You say, pleading with your eyes.

"Sorry, John." She says. "You are too gay for my help."

"Oh my gosh," You say. "I am literally one of the least gay people here. You are both so much gayer than me."

"True," Dave says. "I am very gay. So gay. Completely gay. The gayest."

"Not the gayest," Rose disagrees, with no small amount of pride. "I am the gayest."

"Not everyone can be as gay as you, Rose." Dave says, more than a bit petulantly. "Not everyone can be such a massive lesbian, but I try!"

"It's okay," Jade says, patting Dave on the back, gently. "We can be gay if we try."

"Thanks, babe." Dave sighs, putting his head to her chest.

"One beer," You repeat. "How."

"Do not underestimate Strilondes, John, my dear," Rose says. "Or overestimate. One of those."

"You haven't even been drinking!" You object.

"Yes I have," She says, picking up her glass and taking another sip.

"That's a freaking Shirley Temple!" You exclaim.

Dave laughs from his position in Jade's cleavage. 

"Oh my goodness, John," He says, turning to look at you. "I love you, dude. No homo. Well, vague homo. Some homo. And then some more. Basically what I'm saying is that I love you full homo. But I'm in a very committed and loving relationship with your sister, and we're monogamous. So, like, no romo. And no sexo. Just homo."

"What the fuck," You say, at a complete loss for not the first time tonight. "What the fuck. One fucking beer, Dave."

"You say that like I'm not always like this," He counters.

"He's got a point," Jade puts in. "Also, you're a really boring drunk, John."

"I've had two beers!" You say, defensively.

"Yeah, and Dave's had one, and he's way more fun than you." She says, despite the fact that she was defending how totally not drunk he was like thirty seconds ago.

"It is so not my fault that Dave's such a lightweight," You counter. She nods, conceding your point.

"I am not a lightweight," Dave says, swinging back over to your conversation from....okay, you have no idea what he was doing before. You'd say chasing a butterfly, but you're all sitting in a bar. You don't have a better description, though.

"Yes you are, sweetie," Jade says, one hand on his arm. "You really are."

"No!" Dave says. "I could outdrink you."

You laugh. You really, really laugh. You guffaw, you snort, you out-of-control laugh for so long that Rose starts patting your back gently in what sort of counts as her version of concern.

"Oh," You say, wiping an actual tear from your eye. "No. No, Dave, but that's a great joke."

"Hey!" Dave says. "I totally could."

"No you couldn't, sweetheart." Jade says, taking another sip of soda.

"Prove it." Dave says, a challenge in his voice and a brain in his ass.

"Okay," Jade says. "You cool DDing, Rose?" 

"Of course." Rose says. "Especially if I also get to see my brother embarrass himself."

"Well, duh," You say. "There is no other way for this to end."

Jade goes to the counter and orders a round of shots, with instructions to keep them coming.

She drinks Dave under the fucking table, and by the time he's woozy to the point of nearly falling over sitting, she's just getting started. She actually seems disappointed that he dropped out so quickly. She glances over at you, like you're actually dumb enough to take Dave's place.

You hold your hands up and shake your head violently.

"No fucking way." You say. "I will buy you a congratulatory drink, though."

She smiles when you bring back a tumbler of whiskey. Good whiskey, the kind that reminds you both of Grandpa Harley. She drinks it with pleasure, one arm around Dave (for safety purposes).

Dave, Jade informs you pleasantly the next day, is horrifically hungover. She says this with the sound of frying food in the background, at eight in the morning, because she was only about as pleasantly buzzed as you were.

Fucking hell, your sister is terrifying.

"And that," You say to yourself as you walk into the shop, which is already unlocked because Jane and Jake are doing monthly stock checks. "That, is why you never challenge a Harley to a drinking match."

"Truer words have never been spoken," Jake says from where he's moving products on the display shelves.

Jane nods from behind the counter, where she's tapping at the register. She writes something down on a piece of paper, then looks up.

"Dave still drunk?" She asks.

"Amazingly, no," You say. "Awful hangover, though."

"Naturally." She says, looking back down. "Foolish boy."

You shrug, hardly in a position to disagree. She has an excellent point.

\---

You're hanging upside down.

You wish you knew what got you into this position, but on the other side of that coin is probably knowledge about Terezi, which sounds pretty terrifying, to be perfectly fucking honest.

Back to how you're hanging upside down.

It's by the ankle from Aunt Rosa's back porch, rope wrapped firmly around you and tied very securely to the railing. You're not sure who did this, just that you woke up to giggling and then you were tossed into the air and now...

Now you're here, dangling, with your arms crossed.

Both the giggling and the rope work lead you to believe that this was Terezi's work, though it's anyone's guess who encouraged her to do it (see: Vriska).

You're worried about good, crazy ol' 'Rezi, actually. She's let Vriska back in, and you've no interest or ability in talking her out of it, but if this ends badly, she'll be in shambles once again. And despite and because of everything, you care about Terezi.

Your musings are broken by the sound of someone approaching. Oh, please be Kanaya, please be Kanaya, please be Kanaya, please be Kan - 

"Well, what's this?"

Dammit.

"Hey, Porrim." You say. "What's up?"

"That meant to be a joke?" She asks, looking you pretty much in the eye, which is weird, because she isn't upside down. Nah, that coveted position is still all yours. Yay.

"No, but now that you point it out, that's actually sort of clever. Let's pretend it was." You say.

"Shut up, Karkat." She says, not without a hint of fondness. She pulls out a pocketknife from who knows where and starts in on cutting you down. You brace yourself, since you're pretty sure she'll just let you drop, but she actually catches you once the rope is cut.

"How's your head?" She asks.

"Don't worry, Porrim, I'm not going to tell." You say, not without some irritation. "You don't have to fake it."

"For your information, I was actually concerned for you." She says, fairly evenly. "And you don't have to keep my secrets."

"I know." You say.

She sighs, then sets you down.

"C'mon, Karkitten." She says. "Let's go inside."

"Thanks." You say, maybe a bit belatedly, but she smiles anyway, flashing her teeth at you, and just on instinct, you back off a bit. 

When you get back to your room (because it's still the middle of the night, Terezi's pranks aside), Kanaya is sleeping in her bed, still as the dead, and Sollux is sprawled all over the damn floor. Nepeta's vacated her room to curl up on your bed, exactly like a damned cat, and somehow, you don't feel like disturbing any of them, even by chance, so you go to the kitchen for a glass of water.

You find Aradia there, sitting in the moonlight, eyes closed, though you know she's not asleep.

"Hey." You murmur, sitting down next to her.

"Hello." She says, opening her eyes and smiling. You return the smile, in part because it's still good to see her actually do that.

"Just Terezi in the other room now?" You ask.

"Yes." She says. "Tavros texted and said he'll be delayed another few hours, by the way."

"And Equius still sends his sweatiest apologies." You say.

"My fault." She says, without any true remorse. 

"Well, most of the gang is here, anyway." You say. "And no real shame that Eridan won't come. He still stirs up more trouble than he should."

"I will miss Feferi, though." She says. "It would have been good to see her."

"Yeah," You agree. "Gotta suck being stuck in those meetings."

"It is good to be here, Karkat." She says, turning to look at you with this deathly serious face.

"Yeah." You say, because what else is there?

"Yeah." She says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos are yeah comments are heck yeah someone please talk to me about this verse
> 
> Pennamepersona.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it, contact me at pennamepersona.tumblr.com comments are rad kudos are cool
> 
> Seriously I am so down to talk about this verse I don't think you guys know
> 
> [Buy me a coffee!](https://ko-fi.com/A375K8Q)


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